I Persuaded a Dealer to Cook and Deliver a Beef Wellington Instead of Weed

“Do you want to ring for some weed?” asked my friend Lee one evening. “I only usually smoke if there’s something to munch on,” replied my other friend, Tony. “Smoking and munching go hand-in-hand for me. It’s an essential part of the experience. Your cupboard’s fucking bare, so I think I’ll pass.”

Lee pointed out that any dealer we contacted would pass a 24-hour supermarket en route for us. And what do supermarkets sell? Crisps. This kicked off a long argument about whether or not a dealer, they barely knew would bother going to the stores for them, and how far you could push the dealer/customer relationship. Would someone selling weed run other errands in return for money, or might he need to adhere rigorously to his job description? We chose to phone up and find out.

Surprisingly, the supplier had no problem getting us the crisps. I do not smoke bud and hadn’t been overly bothered about the outcome until then, but the fact he was willing to pick up and send a perfectly legal product got me wondering just how far we could take this. Would they bring over non-food products? What was the very out-there thing that I could feasibly select up?

During the upcoming few days, I created a list of progressively more contrived items to ask, each one requiring a larger quantity of effort on the traders’ behalf compared to last. Yes, cocaine may be more powerful than ever, and dealers might have diversified into Xanax and 2C-E. But can they handle a quiche? Let’s find out!

1. Rizlas

I gathered the numbers of 15 different suppliers and had five things planned, meaning that I had three goes for each — but figured I’d maintain a few with the early requests.

Rizlas are a fairly plausible request of a weed dealer, no? You would not go to a restaurant and not be handed a knife and fork; my thinking was that the exact same logic applied here. However, after offering all 3 dealers an extra money to pick me up several skins, two of the men said they weren’t likely to be around for a few days, while the third sounded really paranoid and kept asking why I didn’t just go to the store myself. An honest question, but additionally: did he consider he’d be earning #9 gain off my #10 offer? We will never ever know. He said he would call me back two times, then ghosted me.

2. Victoria Sponge

The next thing on the list was a homemade Victoria sponge. The logic here was to test whether dealers would be willing to extend to cooked foods, or if their limits lay at delivering simple packaged snacks, like crisps. This time, I developed a detailed back-story.

Despite my lengthy, heart-wrenching explanation, two out of three traders failed to answer the message and would not answer their phones. The next was a trader who’d submitted his King on Instagram. His response initially appeared extremely optimistic, but then he started asking me to send him cash in advance through an internet gift card and it became clear he was a scammer. Still, we kept speaking.

3. Origami Goose

The third thing was this rather impressive origami goose, which I chose to see if traders were eager to provide something that entailed learning a skill from scratch to enable a complete stranger. I believed some cajoling would be necessary, so used a slight version of the birthday explanation.

Unfortunately, the only dealer who seemed remotely close to taking the bait told me he wanted £50 and that he couldn’t get it to me until the following night. £50 is fairly pricey for a folded piece of paper, and my deadline was the next day, which didn’t leave me with quite enough time.

4. A Sunday Roast

Next up was a Sunday roast. Given that I had already failed to find the cake delivered, which was meant to be a step up concerning food-related things, so I was not overly optimistic. I also struggled to invent a persuasive motive for needing a roast dropped off at 1 AM on a Thursday night, but was able to develop this:

One of the dealers seemed up for this, but it soon became apparent that he believed”Sunday roast” was a code word for marijuana. After describing numerous occasions that I wanted an actual Sunday roast, then I finally had to send him a photograph of a roast for him to know, at which point he stopped all contact. Both of the other traders did not respond to my calls or texts.

5. Beef Wellington

I decided on the last thing for the listing by googling”hardest dish to cook” and being introduced with a beef Wellington recipe, that apparently takes ages to make and can end a soggy and dry (pastry and beef) jumble if done wrong.

The first number I attempted was a dealer I’d discovered on social networking, who turned out to become another scammer. He kept telling me to send him the money beforehand, which I clearly was not going to perform (send me a beef Wellington in advance! Then we will talk!) . He should have really believed I desired the Wellington, though, because he had been remarkably persistent, ringing numerous occasions and bombarding me messages. He even sent me appetizing-looking photographs of beef Wellingtons, asserting he’d cooked them, and engaged in a lengthy discussion about which ingredients he had supposedly used.

After getting bored of bullshitting, I moved on to the next dealer, who turned out to be the break I’d been searching for. After a short phone conversation clarifying whether or not I was serious, he agreed to meet outside a nearby resort. Sure enough, he turned up clutching a white plastic bag using a crudely-made beef Wellington in it. “I expect you are going to eat it.” I promised it wouldn’t go to waste, and dashed home to inspect the product.

Unfortunately, I had been sold a snide Wellington. There wasn’t any Parma ham or mushrooms in it, which are crucial ingredients. It was basically just a slice of beef with some pastry wrapped around it, I suspect deep fried at a chippy en route.

The takeaway from this is that: yes, traders will deliver anything if you’re persuasive enough, but if it’s anything aside from drugs it’s not likely to be any good. Saying this, if I managed to convince Gordon Ramsey to deliver weed, I could hardly hold it against him if he didn’t understand his blue cheese from his lemon haze.

When all’s said and done, it is probably best to leave the working to the traders as well as the cooking of beef Wellingtons to the cooks.

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