The Real Reason Why We Love Bad Boys, Toxic Partners and Emotionally Unavailable Men
It has become a well-known saying that good girls love bad boys. And unfortunately, this is not some proverb to spice up some Hollywood script or make a catchy song hook, it is true. Despite the fact that they are never up to no good, we fall in droves for them. And then they wreck our lives – spirit, soul, and body.
A lot of psychologists have researched into this phenomenon to find the deep-seated reasons behind this love folly that we as girls ready enact – over and over again. And though the psychological and emotional reasons abound, one aspect is usually left uncovered. And that is the biochemical reasons.
Yes, they do exist and in fact, our minds can be conditioned to get hooked on anything and anyone – including people who add nothing but pain to our lives.
The bad guys know this know this stuff all too well and use it to their advantage – which of course is to our abuse. In fact, that is their secret weapon with which they get their victims helplessly bound to them. They turn the relationship into an emotional rollercoaster with dark terrible lows and mind-blowing highs. This, of course, highjacks your mind in such a way that you won’t want to leave the relationship. And even when you want to do, you would need some rehab – just like an addict, to avoid a relapse into the mouth of the beast.
Has it bothered you to notice that you find it incredibly difficult to leave your partner who has been the source of your pain and suffering in a relationship? That one person who seems to always know how to trigger your insecurities and use it against you? Only for you to get fed up and he suddenly turns to a sweet pie you can’t seem to get your hands off. Well, this is the continual struggle of the good girl who frequently falls for the bad guy. And what gets us going back for more is the mistreatment and abuse that we miss.
This ordeal starts with starts with the honeymoon phase of the relationship. At this point, we are showered with love and attention that even princesses in fairy tales won’t boast off. Then things suddenly begin to turn for the worst, you are ignored to the point of near boredom. You are stripped of any emotional support until you are patched with lack of attention. And so the cycle is born.
If you were to fully understand what the manipulation of the bag guy does to your brain, you would avoid them at all cost. From the moment your gut says run, you would do so. Don’t go with the heart on this one. Know that if you insist, the strong bond that hooks you to this negative person is one that is biochemical in nature and not love nor logic.
Keep in mind that love and spite are emotions that are very powerful, they are kind of the yin and yang of social interaction. And their effects on their recipients are equally as effective – to damage of to build. And so they are used hand in hand in most abusive relationships. And when you are in a relationship with the bad guy, he will use such tactics to deal you a devastating blow on your person. The pain usually manifests when you manage to break up with that person. Breaking up alone is a daunting affair, mixing it up with your mind being messed with, makes it an even more complicated issue
And a concoction of chemicals and hormones are responsible for this. So in other words, it isn’t really about how cute the person is when they are on their best behavior. And although they are really terrible people behind that cute veil, you find that the real problem is caused by what they make your body do. Here is a list of these chemicals and hormones responsible for your addiction to the wrong guys.
Also known as the feel-good hormone, dopamine is the hormone released during times of happiness and pleasure. These include dates, sex, shopping, and moments shared in peace and harmony. This happy hormone, when released in large amounts – due to your exhilarating highs in your toxic relationship, all over your brain it makes the brain associate your partner with joy and happiness and will, therefore, proceed to make you cling to such a person for more. Even in times of great distress. This making ignores all the mistreatment you receive from him.
Now, the juice is in the way you really get hooked. This associations – the brain creates, works best when does good feeling are alternating. Do you get where I am going now? This is to say that the more intermittent these bursts of great times in your toxic relationship are the more hooked and addicted you are to your negative partner. Just as you are hooked to the gambling machines with every loss, so are you attached to your partner. Forever hoping that the tides will one day change and you would be back to your fairytale relationship. And therefore you endure terrible maltreatment in search of your fix. And then after a while, your partner wears his cute veil again. And thus the cycle of abuse and maltreatment continues.
A Doctor, Do Helen Fisher discovered that this sweet bitter experience in a relationship just takes the victim further down the hole of addiction. In fact, it is said that their brains light up just like coke addicts.
Now negative men are very good at manipulating the relationship to their own favor. They will intermittently administer their love and hate so as to reinforce your addiction to them. They would ignore you for days, cheat on you and abuse only for them to come back to give you the most amazing love and care you could never have imagined. This will leave confused as to where they stand. One they are looks certain that you know where you are headed in the relationship and the next you feel like you can’t tell what would happen tomorrow. One day he is Prince Charming and then the next, he becomes a cold manipulating monster. It is these highs and lows that get you all worked up at the end.
But in the meantime, it fascinates our mind. Your brain will be drawn to someone or something that can’t be predictable. This makes it hard for genuinely good guys to woo you. You just are not interested because this good guy can’t supply your brain with the satisfying high and lies your toxic relationship can afford you. You figure out that with the good guy staying good most of the time, your relationship with such a person will feel like a constant plateau. And that bores you in many ways. In fact, if you venture into a relationship with such a person, you would – with time, become depressed. And you will become irritable and in some cases find ways to provoke your good guy to see if he would maltreatment and abuse you.
All because your brain has been conditioned to want and – obsess even, the bad guy. This can also be explained in healthy relationships where one partner begins to get bored and simultaneously views the significant other as not being exciting. This can also be associated with our constant hunger for some form of adventure. This desire is encoded deep in our DNA but when that has been hijacked by the bad guy, then you only live for the high your brain has been conditioned to seek. And unfortunately, it seeks that high in your dangerous partner.
Now, you may decide to take a break from all these shenanigans. And that in itself is a good thing. But when not backed with good treatment, you will find out that once your toxic partner is back from his sojourns, you will be tempted even more to fall back into the poisonous relationship. And this supports the fact that with a little withholding of love or affection, the more we seek and fight for it. And all this is as a result of the workings of our brain.
In other to afford the trucks that your mind plays on you in these troubled times, we have to know the root cause of our obsessive behavior. We have to understand that our strong bond to the negative guy is not existing because of his good nature but because of the tricks he uses to emotionally abuse us. A good day at to avoid this dopamine effect is to stop having a ”great time” with the wrong guy.
When it comes to oxytocin, we talk about physical intimacy. And this is a powerful method of getting you addicted to the wrong people. The cuddle hormone is released during times of physical intimacy with your partner. And it is released in higher levels for women. To understand how strong this hormone can be, it is released during birth to enhance the bond between mother and child.
The love hormone also helps you to build trust with your significant other. And scientific findings show that when this chemical is brought into the picture, a victim will continue to trust the oppressor. It doesn’t matter how much the victim gets stabbed in the back, he/she’s trust and loyalty will remain. Thereby giving the oppressor leeway to continue on his rampage. Susan Kuchinskas, the author of the book Chemistry of Connection, puts it best when she titles her book how the Oxytocin Response Can Help You Find Trust, Intimacy, and Love. She goes on further to say that estrogen encourages bonding while testosterone inhibits it.
It is also popular to hear people say that the bad guy is better in bed than the good guy. Some could say that that is just a by-product of the elusive romance they deal is. And that makes a lot of sense since our brains will release more feel good and cuddle hormones and thus, will enhance the sexual experience.
Cortisol, Adrenaline, And Norepinephrine
When in a relationship with negative people your hormone levels for stress – like norepinephrine, cortisol, and adrenaline are high. This is due to the fact that you are almost always under stress.
These hormones help you become very much aware of your significant other. This is because we tend to pay great attention to anything that threatens our peace of mind and our safety. This could definitely be a defense mechanism used to help our species evade danger. But when you have the source of your fear, be the source of your safety, then you have a situation where you try to get away from your partner only for you to run back to him. And so the cycle goes on and on till you do something about it.
Christopher Bergland brings an interesting view to this conversation. By saying that these stress hormones combined with oxytocin help make memorable the tough lows and the exhilarating highs of your toxic relationship to an astonishing detail. The stress hormones so this by enriching your memories of you and the bad guy with vivid details while the cuddle hormones bring strong emotions to the picture, this make it really hard to let that person go.
When we are into someone our serotonin levels drop significantly. Serotonin is a hormone responsible for mood regulation in our body. This the hormone in charge of making sure that we do whatever we do the reasonable proportion. But that is what doesn’t happen with people who are in love. They daydream and obsess about the one who has caught their interest. That is why sometimes you would lay up all night thinking about your high school crush. Well, this behavior has also noticed the patients who had OCD. Not with you feeling like you are in life with a bad guy and your serotonin levels dropping, you could turn to someone who is almost nuts – as they day. You can’t help but obsess over your oppressor. And then, with this hormone added to the soup of all other hormones discussed in this article, you will find out that you will be a nervous wreck. Your reasoning and decision-making will be completely controlled by the hormone soup – rather than logic and common sense.
Now, it is important to note that with low levels of serotonin we naturally become more agreeable when it comes to sex. And you see, that would only help increase your levels of oxytocin and thereby thicken the bond between you and your negative partner. This then makes it almost impossible to leave him. And thus helps continue the nasty circle of abuse. You would notice that you are clinging on his morsel of attention. And you would have to go through the abuse and maltreatment just to have a taste of his love and attention.
Knowing that our minds are definitely not out to protect us when it comes to evading toxic guys, we have to take a step back and begin to resent condition our brains. The beauty of humanity is that we can control our thoughts and ultimately change our behaviors. Through neuroplasticity which makes it possible for our brains to construct new neural connections in many positive endeavors such as workouts, right associations, and interests. When you get to such a toxic relationship, it is important you fill up time with meaningful and productive activities. Begin to hang out with positive people who are will to help you recover from the trauma of your recently ended unhealthy relationship. During this time do all you can to cut off all connects and contact with this negative person. You don’t want to hear his sweet talk anymore. In fact, to be accurate you don’t want your brain to get it does from him again. Always remind yourself of the truth, which is that you feel attracted to him because of the way he conditioned your mind and never because he was really a good guy.
Getting attracted to a bag guy is just as dreadful as being an addict. For you to successfully severe all sorts of bond with such individual, you need to leave immediately and never go back. And then proceed to cleanse yourself and your mind of all the toxicity that poisonous relationship must have dealt you.